I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
