i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
