rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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