I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
