If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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