after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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