The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
it's like iHOP with fire
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
