sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
