i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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