dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
