They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
