dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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