How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
