K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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