Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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