I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
