we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
