If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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