i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My vagina just recognized that song.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
