not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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