I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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