I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
