Your face is a jimmy john
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
