Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize
