Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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