I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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