I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
