I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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