I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
