I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
