Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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