Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
