The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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