Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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