i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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