Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
