thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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