I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
