Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
