i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
