if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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