You're my little dorito
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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