You can't special order awesome
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
