Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
