It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
