just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
