I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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