take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
