The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
