She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
