I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
