I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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