A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
