My friends, they love my intelligence
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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