just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
