Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Randomize
