Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
