Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
