My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I can text with my tongue
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
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she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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